Culture vulture

Lucky duck that I am, I am awash with culture.

Event 1 (Saturday night)
Benjamin Britten's Peter Grimes at Sadlers Wells. We had excellent seats in the middle of the stalls, almost close enough to feel the spittle. I didn't know the work at all before this, but was completely caught up in it from the outset. We were so engrossed we forgot to eat the peppermint creams. Roland's friend Jeff was in the title role. He was very good.

Event 2 (Sunday afternoon)
"Darleengs" cafe. So called because the waitress calls you darleeeeng! all the time. Everyone in there (apart from one poor lost soul) was wearing a blue wrist band that gave them access to...

...Event 3 (Sunday pm)
The Dame Edna Experience at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern. Two explanations for the uninitiated (which included me, until last night):

The Royal Vauxhall Tavern: If you've ever driven round Vauxhall Cross in the early evening and seen a large gathering of heavy-set shaven-headed men, mostly with beards (and frequently shirtless), then you will have seen the overspill from the ludicrously popular venue that is the RVT.

The Dame Edna Experience: Is a weekly institution at RVT, apparently (and no, it's not Barry Humphries). No description of mine could do her credit. She is simply legendary.

I had a fantastic time. There was only a handful of other girls there (including some with very strong jawlines), but otherwise the place was absolutely jam-packed to the gunnels with these big strapping baldy beardy men. It made seeing the stage something of a challenge for a little short@rse like me, but apart from that disadvantage it was so much more friendly and relaxed than an equivalently packed straight venue. And pushing through the crowd was not quite so grubby and sordid as usual, since nobody was interested in copping a sneaky feel (of course, I don't know if GB had the same experience...)

Beards (again?)

At the weekend, I went to an exhibition of the work of the the Royal Academician Anthony Green at a gallery on Richmond Hill. It was compered (can't think of the right word) by the most ludicrously enthusiastic woman with a cheerful, ringing voice.

On the way home, we stopped at the Real Ale shop and met a man who has dyed his hair and beard the most vibrant shade of magenta on behalf of a mental health charity. And I bought some cherry flavour beer.

What a successful weekend.

Important people need tidy toilets, apparently

There's a notice in the toilets at the Department of Health. It says

"Please keep these cubicles tidy. May I remind you that senior visitors to the Department use these facilities"

Hmmm... I'm not saying that Patricia Hewitt doesn't deserve to lower her ministerial briefs in hygenic and tidy conditions. But surely the poor old cleaner warrants our best efforts at tidiness just as much as the important visitors?

Speed dating

One of my colleagues (male, straight) is going speed dating. In order to attend, he has to fill out his occupation on the application form.

This gives him quite a quandry. Technically speaking, we are all Chartered Accountants - but he felt that this might not enhance his pulling potential (surely not?). But what alternative descriptions are there for what we do?

"Financial consultant" = I fancy myself a bit, and probably bray quite a bit
"Management consultant" = I fancy myself a whole lot, and am probably a tosser who brays even more [particularly if I work for Bain & Co, based upon my limited contact with this sub-species]
"Business Recovery Professional" = I haven't worked out that speed dating is not a marketing event
"Fireman" = I'm hoping we'll both end up naked quite soon

Hmmm...

She has a point there

In case you're wondering, the tune my mother would like at her funeral (see comments to previous post) is also from On The Town...

Where has the time all gone to?
Haven't done half the things I want to -
Oh well!
We'll catch up
some other time.

Beats the shit out of Robbie Williams' Angels. And it's sung by fellas in sailor suits, so that should brighten up proceedings a little.

Gaby's coming

Gaby's coming to town
He's on the town
With a day to burn
He's gonna turn
New York City up-side down
Gaby's coming to town.

Which is jolly good news. Just you take my word for it.

Rice pudding

GB made rice pudding for tea the other night. It's amazing: rice, sugar, milk, nutmeg, oven, gobble gobble gobble all gone. How did that happen?

Big bruise

At the risk of this turning into an unending blog of injuries, I have to tell you about GB's impressive new bruise.

He was delivering some personal safety training the other day to a group of enthusiastic people armed with riot batons. He was all kitted up in a "Mr Fist" suit (like that elegant gentleman in the picture) so the students could wallop him in the approved manner. Unfortunately, Mr Fist's padded butt slipped a bit and GB took a baton to the back of the thigh.

I would show you a picture of said bruise, but it is a bit close to the... er... cheekly area around the posterial zones so the image may prove traumatic to those of a sensitive disposition. So you will just have to take my word for it when I say that it is the most beautiful shade of maroon, with two yellow stripes across it.

By the way, in looking up the picture of the Fist suit, I discover that the manufacturers also sell...

• Knife fighting training videos
• Gun holsters and arrow quivers
• General leather goods
• Pool cue cases

Interesting assortment, eh?

Burn those catholics

My parents have always had slight qualms about the catholic-burning celebration that is Guy Fawkes night. And to be honest, when you think about it like that, it would be a bit tricky to explain to foreigners why we are hoisting an effigy onto a bonfire. But I am happy to suspend these qualms temporarily (and the ones about scaring small animals and horses, and burning hedgehogs accidentally) in favour of having a bit of bonfiretastic fun.

Saturday night ticked all the right boxes:

• Very cold weather
• Toffee apples (home made!)
• Lots of domestic mishaps (dropped wine glasses, broken lighters, catherine wheels that don't go round), just to add that sense of authenticity to the procedings
• MUSHY PEAS
• Some fantastic fireworks
• Some disappointing ones. Including the biggest and most promising-looking one...

So we all had a very nice time.

And today it is equally crisp and sunny outside, so we are indulging in another traditional pastime: cycling to the pub.

Misleading

The canteen at the Department of Health has been renamed "The Terrace".

I consider this to be a little misleading, given that it is in the basement.

The North

Today I am going to Scunthorpe. Tomorrow I am going to Harrogate.

I have been asked not to refer to it as "the North" while I am there. I do not understand why.